Positive Parenting

Further to my comments on parenting in the last post, I came across an interesting article in the last Sunday Star.

I know I have yet to be a grandma, but I feel that my children need to be aware of the demands on parents once they have children of their own. Children have rights over their parents just as parents have rights over their children.For us Muslims, how we discharge our responsibilities will be questioned on the Day of Judgement. We do the best we can and hope our children forgive us if we have not performed as well as expected. Eventually, we pray that God forgive us too for our weaknesses.

The following is an excerpt from the Star article:

To achieve optimal development for your child, you must first understand the concept and this can help prevent potential problems.

THE key to nurturing your children to become well-rounded adults is to understand that it’s not really about what you want your children to be, but about doing your best to develop your children to their full potential.

Consultant paediatrician Datuk Dr Zulkifli Ismail, says: “Unfortunately, some parents are just too eager to ensure their children get a head start. You’ll be surprised to know that some five-year-olds nowadays are spending their weekends in tuition classes.

There is a range of normality in child development. For instance, some parents may think their child is slow, but this child could actually be functioning within the normal range of development.

“And when these children do not turn out the way their parents want them to be, the parents get so upset that they begin to be less affectionate to the children. This in turn has such a negative impact on their development and self-esteem.”

So as to ensure children develop to their full potential, parents need to understand how all the aspects of child development interrelate with one another from birth to maturity.

Datuk Dr Zulkifli remarks: “Knowledge about child development definitely helps. Ask your child’s doctor for tips and suggestions, and seek clarification on what you don’t understand. You can see a paediatrician for consultation even when there is nothing wrong with your child or he/she may give an appointment because there is a slight doubt regarding your child’s development that needs more detailed assessment.

“Also, talk to your child. Find out what he likes and dislikes so that you will not ‘torture’ him without noticing it. ”

Understand to prevent

Child development is the process whereby a baby develops to become an independent functioning adult. According to consultant paediatrician Dr Hussain Imam Muhammad Ismail, development is about acquiring skills of increasing complexity leading to independence.

“Child development can be divided into four main areas: fine motor, gross motor, speech and language, and personal and social skills,” says Dr Hussain. “These four functional areas make a person a wholesome individual.”

He defines the four areas as thus:

· Gross motor – A process by which a baby acquires independent mobility. It is like the hatching behaviour of chicks; innately programmed, rather than learned.

· Fine motor – This has to do with the ability to use hands to manipulate objects, which requires visual-spatial skills.

· Speech and language – Revolves around the need to communicate, acquire new ideas and exchange them and mature intellectually. Written language, unique to humans, is what allows us to stand on the shoulders of our ancestors and go forward.

· Personal and social skills – Requires you to learn to interact with others and even yourself.

Range of normality

Dr Hussain says that it’s important for parents to know that there is a range of normality. For instance, some parents may think their child is slow, but this child could actually be functioning within the normal range of development.

“One should not hurry to label a developmental delay because it is usually determined over a few examinations, unless it is an obvious case of global delay as with Down syndrome,” he says, adding that parents should follow the levels of progression and that any expectations should not exceed the normal pace.

“Children will only walk when they are ready to walk. Putting them in walkers at six months of age does not make them walk any earlier and may result in serious domestic accidents,” Dr Hussain emphasises.

Developmental problems are not uncommon, as 10% of children are affected by them. However, the vast majority of children are only mildly affected. Children with mild developmental problems do get better and have a high chance of becoming independent adults with proper in-tervention, help and added attention.

However about 10% to 15% of children with developmental delay are severely affected with impairments that will limit their independence as adults.

Impairment, disability and handicap

These three terms are often misunderstood. Dr Hussain addresses this issue with an interesting point: “Impairment is a problem you have. For example, vision problems. But if you wear glasses, your vision is no longer impaired. If you don’t or cannot correct this, however, it becomes a disability, which then involves your interaction with social limitations. If you cannot do what society expects you to do, you then become handicapped.”

He states, however, that if society is willing to become more accommodating, disabled people can function within the limits of their disability and become productive and independent adults. Fewer individuals will then become handicapped.

Causes of developmental problems

Congenital

Developmental problems that are congenital can be broken down into two groups: genetic endowment and specific genetic disorders.

“If you come from a family with a history of learning disorders, there is an increased tendency for you to have certain intellectual problems,” says Dr Hussain. “This is what is meant by genetic tendency. The same applies for diabetes and hypertension”

On the other hand, specific genetic disorders lead to recognisable syndromes. Individuals with Down syndrome, for example, have an extra chromosome 21 that causes a delay in all aspects of development, especially intellectual functions, language and social skills.

Dr Hussain says that this is the most common specific chromosomal developmental problem in this country, and one that does not get better with time.

Sub-cultural

Sub-cultural factors cause about 10% of mental retardation. Dr Hussain explains: “Everything from poor housing, malnutrition and poverty to a lack of motivation, self-esteem and opportunities tend to compound matters, resulting in mild, intermediate or severe mental retardation.”

Preventing developmental problems

Not all developmental problems can be treated. Depending on the time of intervention and the degree of seriousness, Dr Hussain says there is no guarantee that a problem can be corrected. “As with other problems, prevention is better than cure.”

Some measures that can be taken to prevent developmental problems include:

1. Screening pregnant mothers

Screening can help detect problems like AIDS and syphilis which can lead to mental retardation. In addition all children should be immunised against rubella to prevent congenital rubella syndrome.

2. Screening newborn babies

All newborn babies should be screened for congenital hypothyroidism. If these children are treated early, they will develop normally. Newborns should also be monitored for high levels of jaundice as this is another highly preventable cause of brain damage.

3. Assuring safe delivery

Delivery should be conducted in a safe environment to avoid birth injury and trauma.

4. Planning pregnancy

Women who plan to get pregnant should take their age into consideration. If you are above 35 years of age, you face an increased risk of giving birth to a child with Down syndrome.

5. Eliminating sub-cultural causes

There will be better opportunities for self-improvement with affirmative actions to improve nutrition, housing and education and providing support to those exposed to sub-cultural causes. Urban poverty and the developmental consequences of living in squatters should be urgently addressed

6. Ensuring more means for early intervention

There is a great need for allied health professionals in Malaysia. A lack of therapists and multi-tasking by nurses cause early intervention to be simplistic and not tailored to the needs of individual children.

Dr Hussain concludes, “Both unrealistic expectations and denial will hinder optimal child development. Don’t delay intervention, seek help when concerned.”

Common pitfalls of parenting

If you’ve ever felt that children nowadays are growing up on fast-forward mode, you’re not alone. Consultant clinical psychologist Assoc Prof Dr Teoh Hsien-Jin, for one, is someone who agrees with this view. “We’ve noticed that there is a change in development within this country,” he says. “For instance, four-year-olds nowadays can easily operate DVD players or use hand phones to take photos.”

Assoc Prof Teoh says that although many parents are proud of such accomplishments, they don’t seem worried about whether their children develop basic social skills. “Parents today are overly concerned about academic achievement and are neglecting their children’s social development.”

He points out some common areas where parents often go wrong when it comes to equipping their children with the necessary social developmental skills, and what they can do to remedy the situation:

1. Leaving it all to the maid

Successful parents do not always bring up successful children. This is because their commitment to work often leaves them little time to spend with their young ones. These parents instead leave their children totally in the care of the maid, depriving them of the love and affection they need from parents. Spend some time with your children and let them know that they still have a secure relationship with you.

2. Not allowing them to help out

Your children are never too young for simple chores. Besides, you cannot always do things for them. Some parents give in so much that their children begin to boss them around.

Letting children help with things around the house will help them develop. Folding blankets, making their own beds and allowing them to set the dining table will not only improve their motor skills, but will also give them a sense of responsibility that boosts their social development.

3. Praising only the ‘As’

Praising your children definitely makes them feel happy. But why only praise them when they do well in their exams? Do you praise them when they act in a school play? Or sang on Teacher’s Day?

Address your children’s talents and encourage them even when you think they should be doing something else. Try to understand and see things from their point of view. Remember that you’re not always right. For all you know, it could be something that they would want to do for the rest of their lives, so recognise and appreciate all their abilities.

4. Telling yourself that ‘they are just children’

You notice your child spitting on his friend’s hamster, but all you do is laugh and ignore it, thinking that there is no need to scold him as he’s just a child.

When parents do not correct such behaviour, or worse still, become role models by behaving badly in front of their kids, children will grow up thinking that it’s okay to misbehave. This often leads to anti-social behaviour that will be practised throughout their lives. Children need to learn the appropriate social behaviour. If you do not start now, when do you think you should?

5. Letting them learn solely from TV

Some parents think that placing their children in front of the television all day will improve their vocabulary and make them more intelligent. Little do these parents know that real interaction is essential. Children may understand words that they hear on TV, but will not know how to use that particular word until they practice it.

The next time you let your children watch television, join in and talk to them. Discussing subjects that interest them will develop speech and language skills and also encourage creative thinking.

6. Using threats and lies

How often have you used phrases such as “Come inside or the ghosts will come after you” or “Behave yourself and I’ll take you to the mall”? Many parents think that threatening, “blackmailing” and lying to their children will gain them some compliance and respect. They don’t think, however, of the negative images, thoughts and false hopes they’re instilling in their children.

Children are vulnerable, they get hurt and confused easily. Threats and lies will only add up and interfere with their personal and social development.

Assoc Prof Teoh has these words of advice: “Think carefully about what you are doing to your children now. If you wish for the community to move forward, nurture your children’s abilities and mould them to become good individuals. Build a good foundation for the future because your children will be passing it on to the next generation.”

This article is courtesy of the Malaysian Paediatric Association for the Positive Parenting Programme. For further information, please visit www.mypositiveparenting.org. The information provided is for educational and communication purposes only and it should not be construed as personal medical advice. Information published in this article is not intended to replace, supplant or augment a consultation with a health professional regarding the reader’s own medical care. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, functionality, usefulness or other assurances as to the content appearing in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses, damage to property or personal injury suffered directly or indirectly from reliance on such information.